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I don't want your pity; I want your understanding. |
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When I got out of the shower this morning I discovered a new development: In sharp contrast to the numb/tight/tingling sensation in my left side, my right side now occasionally feels like it's wearing clothes fresh from the dryer. It's not an unpleasant feeling, and is actually quite nice since I'm always cold (unless I'm too hot), but it's very bizarre.
'MonSter' is a term I saw used a lot on the message boards I posted on right after my diagnosis. I always thought it was pretty cheesy, but it also sticks in my brain as something I can identify with.
I created a new blog to have a place to keep track of how I feel and when I feel it, and I figure that this way people can see for themselves but they have a choice. I never liked writing about MS in my 'regular' blog, because I felt like I was whining to people who didn't want to hear about it. This way, anyone who reads it has made a decision to be interested in my health.
Sometimes I really want people to realize that they may not be able to tell that I feel like shit, but I probably feel more like shit than they could ever comprehend. Does that sound arrogant? I know that I never could have imagined feeling like this before I actually did.
Several months ago I developed problems with my vision. Things got worse, and then better, and now they're kind of at a stand-still. I still don't see well out of my left eye, and when I'm too warm it's even worse.
A week or so ago the side of my face and neck started to feel tender to the touch. The day before my very first MS attack almost two years ago, I had a similar tenderness on my arms and torso. Within a week, my entire body was numb and tingly and I had lost my job. This time, it's just my left arm and the left half of my torso. It's worse than it was yesterday, and yesterday it was worse than the day before. I hope that I'm wrong in assuming it will be worse tomorrow than today.
Every day when I go to work they heap more responsibility on me, and I'm worried that if this attack really blows up I won't be able to do my job. I suppose I could still work as a checker, but I would be slow, and it's starting to get summer-busy. I could do the office, but not in the four hours that I'm given, and I would need some sort of assistance carrying the till pans. I don't know what I would end up doing. I finally have insurance through work, and I could collect short-term disability if they couldn't find any way to accommodate me, but it's only $150 a week, and I don't want it to come to that.
Also, since I do have insurance now, I've been thinking a lot about the drugs. I've resisted for the last two years, the multi-thousand-dollar price tag being a good enough excuse, but now that it would cost significantly less, I can't use that excuse anymore. Now I'm just plain afraid. I'm afraid that if I have to stick myself with a needle there will be no more denying that it's a serious disease. And what about the side effects? It's already an awful, unpredictable ailment that I feel almost every day, so it's going to be really hard to tell myself that the possible short-term side effects are going to be worth it in the long run.
